What If?

Occasionally, I wonder: what if I had never pursued writing? Worse, what if I got into writing only to give it up because I felt it was too difficult or that it was taking me nowhere? What if I hadn't fantasized constantly as a boy? What if I had been more outgoing instead of keeping so much inside my mind? What if I had a completely different job, was in love with somebody else, and lived someplace different all because I didn't get into writing? There are so many what-ifs. I don't have concrete answers to them--only speculations.

I am who I am today because of writing. While I have gotten better at expressing myself verbally through the years, writing has always been my fallback mode of communication. I can organize my thoughts and polish them exactly to my liking. The way of writing has saved me and continues to do so. It's gotten me though moments of depression and helplessness. It's allowed me to connect with more people. It's strengthened my ability to love. As I learn and evolve, so does the writing.

I would be somebody different without writing. There were plenty of times when I struggled with it and felt like I didn't have the right to call myself a writer. Now I feel that it's imprinted in me like a strand of DNA. With equal measures of success and failure, I go on living through my identity as a writer. Now, I can't imagine ever giving it up forever.

Firm Roots

A number of my past fiction projects were attempts to branch out and create stories that were different from the bulk of my work. Some I found to be successful and some ended up being fun experiments that didn't quite turn out the way I wanted.

I've found this to be the case with my latest piece of work. My original idea was to write a full novel that did not feature my long-time protagonist, Kai. As I've gradually worked on this project, I felt less and less invested. The idea itself is still compelling to me in its own way, which is why I've decided to condense it into a short story. I just don't feel like it can be built up as a full novel.

I've done this plenty of times. In fact, several of my short stories were originally ideas for novels. In the case of my debut novel "The Other Side of Grand," it was the opposite. I wrote a short story about the character who would evolve into Kai and later decided to create a novel out of it.

My work has always been firmly rooted in the life of Kai. At this point in my life, I don't know if I'll ever write longer pieces of work without Kai as a central character. Writing in general is not easy. I often struggle to write a few pages at a time. With Kai, it's different. He's a character I can relate to and he compels me to write more about him.

For now, my plan is to write enough short stories to fill another collection and work on another novel once I want to depict another period of Kai's life. Short stories offer a great deal of freedom to explore plots and themes that are different from my more standard work. I still find myself diving into the absurd and questioning the line between reality and fantasy. As a result, I continue to love the short story format.

The Characters We Love

*SPOILERS AHEAD FOR SEASON 7 OF THE WALKING DEAD*

For those of you who may or may not know, last night's season premiere of The Walking Dead was a shocker to say the least. Followers of the show knew that a character was going to die, but the reveal of who delivered a shock that has still left me with a feeling of numbness. I'm tempted to watch the episode a second time just to take in everything again from a new perspective.

While I had a strong feeling that Abraham was going to get the business end of Lucille and that Negan would kill more than one person, actually seeing it play out on screen was uncomfortable.  I'm usually able to keep a certain level of emotional investment in the shows I watch without getting too bothered when characters suffer. This was different.

Glenn was one of the most remarkable characters on the show. Since season 1, we have seen him evolve from the awkward but capable survivor to the badass who was still able to maintain the best parts of his humanity despite the many hardships he faced. He was a husband and father-to-be. This is no longer the case.

Despite knowing that Glenn was killed by Negan in the graphic novel, the initial twist in the episode made us think that Glenn was safe. Instead, Negan literally crushes this important character--and us on an emotional level. After all of the close calls that Glenn had on the show, he ultimately goes down in the same fashion as the graphic novel. I'm sure the ending result has left many divided.

One of the most important Asian American characters on TV has been killed off. The character himself leaves behind a wife and unborn child. This will surely have repercussions throughout the season and even the rest of the show.

The morning after watching the episode, Glenn's death by baseball bat brought up another thought. There is in fact a real life example of an Asian American man getting beaten to death with a baseball bat. His name was Vincent Chin.  Like Glenn, Vincent was a young man with his whole life still ahead of him. Instead, he was killed through an evil and senseless act.

Perhaps I'm looking too deeply into this, but the image of an Asian American man being beaten to death hurts me on a deeper level. Sure, Glenn was a fictional character, but he was a great character. He was a role model not only for Asian Americans, but all people. He will be missed.

At the same time, I really hope that this will allow actor Steven Yeun to really branch out and have a successful acting career outside of The Walking Dead. It seems like most actors who were killed off on the show have faded into obscurity. I don't think this will be the case for Mr. Yeun. He was one of the most beloved characters on the show and the actor was really able to shine all of these years. I can imagine him taking on important roles that will continue to develop Asian American characters in the mainstream. At the same time, Mr. Yeun can certainly take on roles that do not specifically require a person of Asian descent.

I normally don't discuss pop culture extensively in regards to my writing. However, this was different. I'm still processing my thoughts and reactions regarding the death of this character. It goes to show us that even a make-believe person can be kept close in our hearts. A character like Glenn encourages us to be better people despite the shit around us that seems impossible to control.

Just Write

When you're not a full time author, it's not always easy to maintain discipline and produce work on a daily basis. Most of us have to hold down regular jobs. At the end of each day, it's understandable when your brain is exhausted and all you want is to go home, eat dinner, sit in front of the TV, and relax. Maintaining a balance between one's professional life and his creative endeavors is more like a dream. In reality, this sort of balance is usually unrealistic. Paying the bills usually outweighs the desire to create without any guarantee of financial gain. This is especially true as you age, get married, and raise a family.

Sadly, I usually have to force myself to make the time and put in the effort to write. This usually involves putting aside at least an hour or two in the evenings. It could mean doing research, taking notes, writing down passages for future use, or actually typing away in the moment to progress a story. Although it's been slow going, I've been working on new material. One of the hardest parts is getting down the first chapter. Once that's done, I feel like it's less of a struggle because I've established what the rest of the story will be like.

At nights when I'm in bed trying to fall asleep, I'll start thinking about elements on whatever it is I'm writing. There are moments when I find myself getting out of bed and writing down notes so that I don't forget them. I think that if ideas are floating in your head around the time you go to bed, that's a good sign. It shows that your mind can work especially well when you channel out all of the other worries of regular life. At the same time, you need to remember to get enough sleep. Mental and/or physical exhaustion is a negative culprit for a writer. Staring blindly at the computer screen without typing does nobody good.

Even when the writing is going good, it's nearly impossible to type nonstop. There are going to be pauses. I say do what you can and just write.