What If?

Occasionally, I wonder: what if I had never pursued writing? Worse, what if I got into writing only to give it up because I felt it was too difficult or that it was taking me nowhere? What if I hadn't fantasized constantly as a boy? What if I had been more outgoing instead of keeping so much inside my mind? What if I had a completely different job, was in love with somebody else, and lived someplace different all because I didn't get into writing? There are so many what-ifs. I don't have concrete answers to them--only speculations.

I am who I am today because of writing. While I have gotten better at expressing myself verbally through the years, writing has always been my fallback mode of communication. I can organize my thoughts and polish them exactly to my liking. The way of writing has saved me and continues to do so. It's gotten me though moments of depression and helplessness. It's allowed me to connect with more people. It's strengthened my ability to love. As I learn and evolve, so does the writing.

I would be somebody different without writing. There were plenty of times when I struggled with it and felt like I didn't have the right to call myself a writer. Now I feel that it's imprinted in me like a strand of DNA. With equal measures of success and failure, I go on living through my identity as a writer. Now, I can't imagine ever giving it up forever.